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In her new memoir,This Will Only Hurt a Little,the mother of twodescribes over several chapters being alone in eighth grade with a boy three years her senior, struggling to understand what happened and accepting how it’s affected her.
Philipps, now 39, recalls that she tried to “be seductive. I reached over and clumsily started to unbuckle his belt. I have no idea why I didn’t kiss him but instead just went for his belt. It was so weird. But then again, I was fourteen and painfully inexperienced. I had no idea what qualified as normal behavior.”
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She then says that she reached for his penis and they kissed until he encouraged her to get in the back of his SUV so they could be more “comfortable.”
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Philipps says that he climbed on top of her and “weighed so much and was pushing me down so hard,” allowing him to “push” his penis “inside … I didn’t know what to do. I put my hands under his shirt, digging my nails into his back. I hated it. I didn’t want this … It was so, so painful.”
In protest, the Dawson’s Creek alum recalls, she was only able to “get out” a simple “I don’t think this is gonna work … He didn’t say anything about it not working. He just kept doing it. I found a spot on the ceiling of his car and I sort of spun up to it and just focused on that until he shuddered and rolled off me.”
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She then explains that she struggled to know how to describe the incident because of her own role in it. “I unbuckled his belt,” she writes. “It has f—ed me in the head again and again, almost always in new ways. Showing up when I least expect it. … My only hope is that my girls grow up in a culture that truly understands consent and that they’re never left to question if violence means someone cares for them.”
Philipps reveals in a chilling concluding passage that after a meeting with her therapist last year, she decided to search for her assailant on social media for the first time.
“I found him, smiling with his wife and their two little boys. I clicked to her page. He’s the love of her life. ‘Dreams do come true!’ she wrote under their wedding photo. ‘I finally got my happy ending!’ ”
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Philips first told fans that she’d been assaultedin an Instagram post at the end of September.
Alongside a school photo of herself, she wrote: “This is me at 14. The age I was raped. It’s taken me 25 years to say those words. I wrote about it in my book. I finally told my parents and sister about it 4 months ago. Today is the day we are silent no more,” she said. “All of us. I’m scared to post this. I can’t imagine what Dr. Ford is feeling right now.”
A few days later, the formerCougar Townstar cried telling her story toEllen DeGeneres, who also discussed her own experience with sexual abuse during the interview.
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This Will Only Hurt a Littleis out now, and Phillips’ late-night talk showBusy Tonightpremieres Oct. 28 on E!
source: people.com
